Top Ten Horrible Horrors

Lovers of the horror genre will oft-times find themselves in intellectual wrestling matches with naysayers who often call our beloved films one step above porn (a statement I will never understand). Furthermore, these mental midgets will go round and round with you on the term a “good-bad movie”. There are plenty of wonderful horror films that prove many genre films are not just simple throwaway exploitation potboilers with no thought. Every generation has them. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), it’s the one genre that loves to rip-off that film’s defining elements. Countless have tried to copy Halloween, but although a few were successful, many were about as scary as a Richard Simmons workout. Wait, that IS scary… If done correctly, many of these films were able to eke out their own little niche in the good-bad genre, a section frequently overlooked. Regrettably, too many camcord addled youths ruined the good-bad movie by trying to make a good-bad movie. There is a lesson here. You can’t set out to make a good-bad movie. It just is. Endurance comes from earnestness and fans of Ed Wood understand exactly what I mean. In short, please don’t set out to make an Ed Wood film. Pretty please?

As a rabid fan of the stuff, I have inadvertently taken it upon myself to sift through the piles of good-bad movies to actually find out what really is good-bad. I ask not for thanks, but rather that if you have an adventurous spirit, or if you’ve hit the Jack a little hard, you try out the following films, many of which seem to have been lost over the years while a recent slate of bad-bad movies seem to have moved up quickly from the rear. Support the cause, it’s quite worthwhile.



Barn of the Naked Dead (1974)

Andrew Prine, who is hotter than Texas asphalt, kidnaps a bevy of luscious babes and keeps them prisoner in his barn as he trains them for his ‘circus’. Be forewarned: No naked dead to be seen in this awesome little exploitation flick that features an over the top Prine in a role he’s admitted he’d like to forget. Directed by indie maverick Alan Rudolph, who’d also prefer you’d overlook this.

Track of the Moonbeast (1976)

More of an endurance test than an actual film, a piece of the moon catapults itself to earth and a chunk of it hits a young archeologist in the head, making him a Moonbeast. His blonder than normal girlfriend, wearing some of the shortest skirts on earth, tries to help her Moonbeast Mancub, but to dire results.

The Pit (1981)

A slightly autistic kid named Jamie, with a penchant for peeping is left alone with his smokin’ hot babysitter for a few weeks. Unbeknownst to her, the kid has found a pit full of what he calls Tralalogs, small man eating monsters whom Jamie feeds with various members of his small town. You’ll laugh as he dumps a wheelchair bound lady into the pit. Or maybe not…

Boardinghouse (1982)

The first shot-on-video feature film, we can all blame the director/star David Wintergate for unleashing a then unknown filming concept on the masses. Unlike a lot of current crop of SOV crap, this movie aims to entertain and does in spades. Oh, it’s not very good but in many ways it’s totally great. David plays landlord to a bevy of beautiful sexpots and an angry ghost. After several deaths, David and an up and coming singer go toe to toe with a malevolent red thing.

The Prey (1984)

The famous tagline says “It’s not human and it’s got an axe!” Well, it is human but he does have an axe, so I can forgive the little things. Actually, this meandering slasher is quite effective if you’ve ever been terrified by Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom. The Prey has atmosphere to spare but very little story. Yet, if you dig overcooked gypsies impregnating campers, this may just be the flick for you!

Miami Golem (1985)

Legendary Euro trash actor David Warbeck plays a TV reporter who stumbles upon an alien baby in a jar. John Ireland chases Warbeck through the swamps of Florida and an alien woman seduces our hero as he races to save someone from something. Miami Golem is hilarious. It makes no sense, but Warbeck is up to the challenge and makes an engaging hero in this non-thriller.

The Mutilator (1985)

One of the best bad movies ever imprinted on celluloid, what works best about this gory film is that it seemed the director was genuinely trying to make a scary film. Instead, he got a group of high-school trained actors to dramatically pause between each sentence (I’m not joking) and say things like “Oh, heavy" and “I’m going to get high score in video machine”! You can also observe a man practically falling asleep as he’s chainsawed! A great escapist gore ride, The Mutilator rocks the known universe.

The Uninvited (1988)

Clu Gulager, Alex Cord and George Kennedy all board a boat with a couple of sexy nymphs and a few college dolts and of course, a little kitty who has an even smaller but far more evil kitty living inside it. Whenever the cat gets finicky, people get killed. An ultra-hilarious movie with a few nice touches (Clu is great as usual), this one manages to stay absolutely ludicrous from beginning to end.

Phantom of the Mall (1989)

Cutie pie Derek Rydall is Eric, a kid who was thought to have burned to death in a fire. Instead, he’s survived and lives as a charred crisp of himself within the air vents of the newly built mall which stands where his house once was. What he did before the mall was built is anyone’s guess, but he’s there now. His old girlfriend, who still pines away at her loss, gets not one, but two jobs at the mall and he starts to follow her around, killing anyone who gets near her (all while having sexy flashbacks). Since she’s there all the time, you can imagine that he’s quite busy. Pauly Shore shows up just long enough to stick a wax ear in some yogurt and moon the audience.

Shakma (1990)

What happens when a bunch of medical students, Roddy McDowell and a psychotic baboon find themselves locked in a building during a spirited Dungeons and Dragons type game? Well, it can’t be good. The red-bottomed guy (and I don’t mean Roddy), puts foot to ass to some fairly recognizable faces such as Christopher Akins.